L.A.R. = Life After (My) Rabbits

The first part to this email clearly would be my entry about how "Black Friday" has come to me one week-early, although not in the same spirit as the traditional "Black Friday" which is more commonly known as the retail shopping day after Thanksgiving.

On Friday, November 16th, I surrendered my two pet rabbits to the shelter. That morning I packed them up into pet carriers, cleaned out their cages, loaded one into my car, brought along a storage container with their food dishes and water bottles. Then along with the rabbits in tow, I drove the sad drive across town to the animal shelter that I am so very familiar with. Just as I was nearing my way across the parking area on foot with supplies in hand to the door, the shelter manager Betsy - whom I would consider a good friend based on what I have gone through being a volunteer there for the past 3+ years - was there to open the door. She greeted me with a 'morning', but noted she left the 'good-' off the greeting as she knew it was not much of a good start to the day for me. She said this outloud to me too. And I was in agreement. It was a morning, but unlike any others.

Set up their cages, filled water bottles, filled dishes with fresh rabbit food, and got everything all set. Then one by one I took the rabbits out of their carrier that I brought them in. I held them close to me. Held them tightly in my arms as close to my heart as they could be. And with tears strolling down my eyes, down my cheeks and to the floor, I told them that they were a pair of really great pets for the past few years that they have been a part of my life. They have been excellent rabbits, very well behaved, and a great set of pets that a person to could have. I would never forget the good times we have had, and that they would find just as good of a home by going into the shelter. That some day very soon someone would come in and want a wonderful rabbit to take home to make a part of their home, just like I had done with them. After putting Sarah into her new cage, I did the same with Emilo. After which was one of the saddest moments I had to endure. Closing their cage doors, securing it shut, and then sitting down to fill out the owner-release forms. Officially and legally signing over control and possession of the rabbits and their well-being to the shelter and releasing them from my life.

While in at the shelter until I left, I was in tears. Betsy and even other shelter employee Crystal, another friend of mine, expressed their concern to me as I left, but.... what can I say? I couldn't say anything. I no more gave a slight shrug of my shoulders and barely spoke at all as I walked out.

It's been a bit of a life change to say the least. Even as I sit here on my living room couch early in the morning on Sunday the 18th, I look over in the general direction of where the rabbit cages had been since we moved into this apartment about a year ago. No more do I see two big animal cages with two rabbits in them. Instead I see one rabbit cage that sits motionless and empty. I hear no sounds of chewing on metal bars, and no one shaking toys around their cage. No need to say "heyyyyyyy Emilo!" or "Saaaaaaa-rah!!!!" because there's no one to hear it. (Well, no one outside of my cats).

There is one benefit of the situation as it now is. Certainly not as much weekly cleaning needed to animal cages, and wood shavings will be cut down a lot from being cleaned up off the floor. However, is it all worth it? I'd much rather have my rabbits and clean up after them, than to have things cleaner and not have them here. But I know that I can't as the landlord is prefering me to not have as many animals in this (size) apartment.

I am trying to remain happy as can be. I still have my cats - Porkey, Tabby, Athena, Whiskers, and Sylvester. As well as the goldfish Goldie. And I do still have the pet rat Mattie and gerbil Mr G, but.... the rabbits were just as much a part of the family as any of them are/were.

It just feels different to not have them here. While I saw them again in the morning of Saturday the 17th when I went in to do my weekly volunteering, it was difficult to see them in there. Knowing that I could not have them with me at home.

So while its been a big change to the household situation not having them here, it has also been a bit of a life-learning experience for me. Not only am I learning how to cope with such a situation and loss, but I am learning a bit more about the people around me.

Leading up to Friday the 16th I told most people that I could about how I was having to give up the rabbits. In part with hopes that someone might say that they could take one or both in themself. While no one was able to show me that, they have shown me a lot more.

When you know that someone you claim to care about and support is in a time of depression and sadness, you show them comfort and compassion and friendship. To just let them know that you're there for them in their time of need. What have I learned from this? Just who is there for me and who isn't. Some people who are clearly aware of my situation and depression involving the rabbits have chosen to not say anything.

One former "friend" said nothing at all to me all week. No emails, no IMs, no messages via MySpace. Suddenly later in the day on Friday after I was already back at home I did receive a message from this woman. Did she express her sorrow for me? No. She was wanting to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving if she didnt speak to me before then. ???? Who the hell cares about the upcoming holiday in a time like this? I dont care about anything else except the idea that my rabbits are no longer "mine". The heartbreak I'm feeling? That's my concern, not a day of eating freshly cooked turkey. She knew about the rabbits and said nothing in support?!

Another soon-to-be former "friend" has reacted similarly. About 8 days ago now I left this woman a profile comment on MySpace. Even though it had been a day or two earlier when I last heard from her. Have I heard any response or reply from her since then? Nothing. Not a single word from this woman in just over a week now. Maybe she's just not been online at all? Ahhhhh, no. She has been online. I know for a fact because she's constantly changed her status message on MySpace to reflect whatever it is that she's doing. She's had the time to change her status message on there, but not to reply to me. She too knew about my rabbit situation, but has said NOTHING in terms of support.

There have been more individuals than just these, but its not worth the time getting into. I could probably count on one hand by fingers the people who have shown their support to me in this time, which doesn't say much good.

My feeling? Most people I know out there are more concerned with themselves. If they have something good going on with them, they want to share and even gloat it in my face. If they have something bad going on in their life, they want to talk to me so I can help them through it. That's all in good. But.... what about when I have something good going on in my life? Who's there to share it with me? When I am feeling sad and down, who's there to hold me? All those people who were looking for attention from me, do not seem to want to give me attention. Is that selfish? I think not. If you want support from someone else, why can't you give it to them in return?

So in addition to learning about myself as I let go of my rabbits from my life, I have learned more about those around me. Those who have concern for me and my mental well-being right now. And those who appear to care less.

To those who have shown there care for me in this time, I send out a big thank you.

To those who have chosen not to say anything or have any concern....those who are more concerned selfishly about their own lives and expect me to always do things for them but never have the desire to do anything in return...... To those who have known that I have been terribly depressed and sad lately during this circumstance of releasing my rabbits..... I have other words for those people. Words that I will not bother printing here because they'd be considered tasteless, improper, harsh, and qutie a bit...well....probably obscene.

What would someone expect otherwise? I'm depressed and sad and crying and someone doesn't even have the decency to give me a hug but they're all about talking about how they have a new job? F*** that!

I'm not like other people. I don't have the brillance that others have. I don't have the money that some do. I don't have a glamorous or glorifying job that some do. I don't have significant other I can call any time of day and feel love in my heart for like others do. My life? All I have in my life is my pets. So when I have to give up any of them, that's just like giving up part of my life. Giving up that which is a part of "me". So it's going to me more to me than it would someone else.

Giving up my rabbits was incredibly difficult on my mind and my heart the past few days, and will be so for some time. If someone can't understand that, then they don't know me. And if they can't be a friend and be there for me in this time, then they are no friend of mine.